Discovering things is an intimate act.
Teaching and sharing things you discovered is an act of gifting a part of you to the world.
Become intimate with yourself, let go and discover the worlds within you.
When you find that soul mate, discover yourselves and the worlds in and out, alone and together; always keeping a small part to discover on your own, to share with that one in a beautiful delayed discovery of its own, and forever a beautiful delayed discovery of each others’ essences as time passes.

P.s. i swear i am sober.

About Change

I have been looking into myself lately as my 28th birthday approaches and i keep thinking “what am i doing with my life? Where am i headed?”

I made a conscious decision to never drink again. I also made a decision to stick to my five daily prayers no matter what. They keep my head clear. In those 10 15 mins i actually just cleanse my head of the stresses of the day and after each prayer i feel restarted. Which makes me remember my mum’s words, which went along something like this: “if you can master praying on time, you can master your life” when she said that at the time i was just annoyed that i have to pray because i honestly didnt know the hidden spiritual and physical gems that come with it. Now i do and i treasure it. When i skip praying for a day or two i go haywire, i feel lost and disoridnted. I practice leaving the thoughts in my hesd and just living the moment connecting and acknoledging that i am praying to God. It is hard to do at first to really clear my mind of everything in my life but the more i practice my prayers the peaceful i get. And the best part is i just move on with my life. I take it as a pit stop in a the race of life. The act oc doing this dsily timed ritual teaches me discipline i never had.

I want discipline. I always never persist in anything and i believe this is the key. I have a good feeling sbout you, my 28 year old self.


So i real8sed this struggle i am going through is only gonna make me stronger. So what if i am feeling down? Or blue? Or hopeless? What i choose to do with these feels how i rract to them and where do i move from acknowledging them is all up to me. So if i need to dwell i will but with a time limit and then get a move on. I accept there no such thing as constant happiness. There is however being content. It is not elative hapiness it is just happy. Or more like grateful even for the things and emotuons that seem down or uncomfortable. They are still thinga to be content about. Without them we cant appreciate thier opposites we wont get stronger.

I have a new love for the phrase

“Hello darkness my old friend”


Lately i have been feeling so suffocated all the time. Like i am constantly on the verge of tears. Anxious and scared. Very self aware.

And i think the reason is that i cold turkey stopped taking the medications i am supposed to take about a month ago and now that their effects are wearing off this is showing.

I cant handle myself at home. I can’t handle myself when i am outside trying to get air from home. I really feel the picture of a cloud hovering above me where ever i go.

I have so much to talk about

Ideas and theories and a lot of other things in my head i have no idea where to start. I think it is time for me to share my ponderings of everythting i think about. I think ill do a random brainstorm to have layed down so i dont forget and actually begin. I used to blog when i was 15 and i would write essay long blogs about any idea i would get and i would walk you through my thought process without any filters. I miss that feeling of letting my fingers speak my mind. Here is an example:


Philosophies and Theories

Could sadism result from the pulling of pranks?

This question just popped up in my head when I was flicking through the channels on tv the other day and went across a commercial for Punk’d. Really. I can’t help think maybe pulling pranks results in a person being a sadist or at least enhances it. Here’s what Webster’s have as a definition of sadism:

[Fr, after Marquis de SADE]
1 the getting of sexual pleasure from dominating, mistreating, or hurting one’s partner
2 the getting of pleasure from inflicting physical or psychological pain on another or others Cf.

When one pulls a prank on someone, one laughs and enjoys seeing the victim being horrified, scared, shocked, disgusted, and hopeless, emotionally being drained and a lot more. I love pulling pranks (not the extremely terrifying ones. I pull pranks such as the one wearing a scary-looking mask, for example). I stopped pulling practical pranks about a year ago. It is a form of sadism if you think about it. You enjoy the pain you inflict on someone. So with this theory I can say that Ashton Kutcher is a sadist. Who knows? maybe Hitler grew up as a prankster who later took his pranks too far.


The secret behind the lifestyle of a man.

This I could not help but think of. I am a sexist, can’t deny. All men are perverts, whether they’re heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual. They have 2 heads and one of them is unfortunately dominated by the other. The first head (the brain) which is normally used for thinking. Women normally use this. But men only use the gray thing called a brain when needed to protect head number 2: The Dick. Full stop. They always need to protect their dicks. It’s the only thing they have. A man feels so insecure about the size and length of his penis. All men do. They believe it’s all what they have. I actually pity men; I consider them animals rather than human beings. Anyways back to my philosophy. Most teenage boys are stupid. Probably because they are controlled by head number 2. Unfortunately for women, this will remain in men their whole lives. A smart teenage boy is not smart for no reason. he is smart because he is smart enough to look ahead in life and think “how will I provide better pleasure for my number 2 head?” He starts to realize he needs to use head number 1 (the brain) in order to obtain this. So he studies and aims for a job which gets a lot of money. Then he buys a house which is good for him because now he is not limited with space for masturbation as it used to be when he was living with his parents. Of course let’s not forget he leads a promiscuous life. Just like cats. Better risk of getting AIDS, faster death rates of men, good for me! So if he cannot be promiscuous then he can still masturbate. Fantasizing is the only creative thing they can do with head number 1. He continues to lead a promiscuous and fantasizing life until he is physically unable. Even when he is unable, he still leads on such a life. All thanks to Viagra. He might even die from the effect of Viagra (just like the death of that prince of UAE or Kuwait I can’t remember. Viagra was suspected of the cause of his death. Imagine that!) So you see, it all fits! (or maybe I’ve just gone mad)

Hahaha yoyr thoughts on my 15 year old self please.

What is Being Self Worthy? And Cigarettes

I met a guy in a gathering a few weeks ago whom i have not seen in ages. And while we were both having cigarettes and talking about how hard is it to quit, he told me quitting never really works unless you know the real deep rooted reason behind why you do it. It has to do with something in your childhood, he said he read it in a book. He also said that once you realise it you will start to automatically stop with no return. He said the way to get there is every time i smoke, i write down the reason or think of why i am smoking this cigarette right now. He is currently doing that in search of his reasons.

So i applied this and this is the list from a few weeks ago until today. Today it hit me. But i will get to that after the list:

1) Freetime/boredom to pass the time/nothing else to do

2) Stress – anger, sadness, anxiety, down, relief. While studying to “ease” stress.

3) After eating.

4) When i wake up and when i wake up in th middle of the night or anytime i am sleeping.

So this is the list i wrote down.

As i was smoking just now i realised what could be the clue to my root problem and wrote it down on a piece of paper. It all comes down to loving myself or more like hating me.

Here is what i wrote:

I cant handle being alone with my own thoughts. Its like i dont know who i am. Or like i just do t want to face me. I hate me. I cant stand myself. I dont know why i do, feeling always sorry like i am forever guilty of things that are normal. Almost like sorry for breathing the air as everyone else like i dont deserve it.

I wrote this and i came here. It is my perception of myself. My love ( or lack of love) for myself. I always knew it but somwhoq this realisation feels like a sad cold aha! moment. Like the calm before the storm. Am i gonna make a storm? Who knows.